Apathy, again

Everything I hate about you
is everything that is wrong with me.

HOT HOT HOT

I hate summer, and long for autumn. I need to smell the apple and pumpkin spices that make the Fall season so familiar.

My housemates and I will be going to the county fair next week.

I have been obsessing over outsider folk art, such as the artist Dwight Mackintosh. I read about him while I was supposedly working at the library the other day, absolutely brilliant and mindfully numbing work!

Also, it is really hard typing while drunk and sleepy.

Chai cupcakes with red raspberries on top. ♥

Buddy Holly's manbits

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Originally uploaded by jessicaroxanne atienza

I LOVE this picture. :D

Life Update

Grisha and I have been cat-sitting Clementine (the calico cat) for my friend Sarah Kelly for the past few weeks. Her landlord got pissed that she had a cat and gave Clementine the boot!

She and Link didn't get along at first; when she first arrived, Link decided to be territorial and sat on her carrier like a sphinx. That was the beginning of much hissing, brawling, groping, neck-biting, and violent-but-playful (?) nipping. Eventually they reconciled their differences and became good friends. Grisha and I loved having another cat around, and we both thought that Link and Clementine's cuddling was very sweet. But a few days ago Clementine was returned to Sarah after she moved into Camelot, and now Link is very lonely. :( He will of course see her again, since Sarah is my housemate.

***

Summer has been hot and lazy but all the more enjoyable. Simply working at the library, reading with Grisha, sewing, crocheting, making things and writing (or trying to at least). I have yet to finish a whole slew of songs.


I've been working on trying to make Grisha's apartment look nicer (and therefore more livable)... partly because I "sort of" live there. Essentially I will be splitting my life between Grisha's apartment and Camelot, where I still do not feel at home quite yet. I still have to paint the stencils on my wall as I don't know what else to do with them. I'm just going to copy the stencils that already existed on Kelly's wall and paint them onto mine, probably the same color too.

I am going to make almond butter this afternoon! It's a healthier alternative to peanut butter since it has less oils and fats, although I think it has more calories. But alas, it sounds yummy in my tummy!

Withdrawals.

I am going crazy.

And I feel so pathetic and embarrassed, as it hasn't even been an entire day yet since I last saw Grisha. But alas, I will not see him until Friday, and my heart has sunk to a level of unbearable longing. It's as if my stomach were at my throat after pushing my lungs and heart aside, causing my insides to twist and turn. I think I wouldn't be so miserable if both of us knew he would be gone until Friday. I miss his smell, his body, his characteristic way of talking, and above all his embrace and how our bodies curl into formation like a pretzel.

I'm just not used to sleeping by myself anymore.

:[

Moving in?

I am afraid of women, of being social, of being around people.

I guess I'm not as afraid as much as I am apathetic towards these things. I just can't do it; I can't bring myself to care about other people's lives. Why am I so selfish? I think I need to learn how to be a better person or friend.

But I am just a recluse -- is that so wrong? I like being by myself, if not with Grisha, and I am perfectly fine with staying inside with a comfy sweater and a cup of tea while reading a book. Sometimes I think my desires contradict themselves, because I have a penchant for glamour and pretty things, however my reclusive nature directs me towards more low-key environments, not glamorous happenings.

I feel like such a loser and such a square inside a bowl of social expectations.