Pig

Sometimes, I really hate my boyfriend, and everything else that involves him. Hmph.

Revenge on the hauty pigs of materialism.

I'll take your selfish, wealthy, throne-bearing attitude and shit on it.

Bijou!

(sorry the focus is bad on this one)

So this little darling is Grisha's 21st birthday present to moi! Her name is Bijou (french for jewel) and she is a spunky little creature. Sometimes I have to admit that Grisha does in fact spoil me.

SNOW BIRTHDAYS!

SNOW!
Originally uploaded by jessicaroxanne atienza

Salut! Today on the anniversary of my birth, I turned 21. However, I got an early birthday present from the weather gods, who brought me snow. Thanks, weather gods. You know how much I love snow. I really get so childishly excited over it.

So, lots of updates! Had a wonderful Thanksgiving (I hope you all did too), played in a few shows and a few gigs, made money, made love, made food, did VERY well in my string jury this morning (a nice start to my day), and started drinking at 1030 am. I got pretty hammered, took a nap with my boyfriend around 4, and I woke up at 7 still pretty drunk. I actually had a dream reliving my morning birthday bar-hopping extravaganza, except I bought 3 boxes of pizza -- and I dreamt of CHEESE. So I went and bought 3 boxes of pizza and ate it with my friends, had some more tasty German beer, baked some chocolate chip cookies, and talked to my family and my best friend from home. This is, needless to say, the best birthday I've ever had.

I love my family, my boyfriend, my friends, and chocolate. I'm grateful for all the things in my life. :D

<3

Money can't buy you love, but it can buy you a nice pair of shoes.

The Fairest of the Seasons

Happy Fall! Harrisonburg is beautiful once again. The wind picks up my hair, and fulfills my mind and body with longing. The season and my heart align. Perfectly.

Different places

I am not where I am supposed to be.

And I mean that geographically. This town has never been right for me. I am a fish out of the ocean, a crayon in the wrong box.

How do you come to terms with something like this? Should I just bite the bullet and finish out my last two or so years here, or do I transfer to a golden city that is my destination? Practicality or happiness? Do I take the easy way out, or the way that would guarantee my freedom? And what would my family think? I've already spent enough money as it is. Or am I just in a really bad mood?

I have and have had a lot of issues with this town. I've never felt like I was at home here. It's the smell. The pathetic excuse for downtown life. The attitude. The people. The PEOPLE. It's as if I left my own hometown only to enter one exactly like it.

I have this awful tendency of cutting people out of my life once they betray my trust, no matter how minor the situation. It's okay, I can go to another person, friends are that disposable.

Sometimes, I really feel like I need regular therapy. This was pretty hateful.

Apathy, again

Everything I hate about you
is everything that is wrong with me.

HOT HOT HOT

I hate summer, and long for autumn. I need to smell the apple and pumpkin spices that make the Fall season so familiar.

My housemates and I will be going to the county fair next week.

I have been obsessing over outsider folk art, such as the artist Dwight Mackintosh. I read about him while I was supposedly working at the library the other day, absolutely brilliant and mindfully numbing work!

Also, it is really hard typing while drunk and sleepy.

Chai cupcakes with red raspberries on top. ♥

Buddy Holly's manbits

_MG_1245
Originally uploaded by jessicaroxanne atienza

I LOVE this picture. :D

Life Update

Grisha and I have been cat-sitting Clementine (the calico cat) for my friend Sarah Kelly for the past few weeks. Her landlord got pissed that she had a cat and gave Clementine the boot!

She and Link didn't get along at first; when she first arrived, Link decided to be territorial and sat on her carrier like a sphinx. That was the beginning of much hissing, brawling, groping, neck-biting, and violent-but-playful (?) nipping. Eventually they reconciled their differences and became good friends. Grisha and I loved having another cat around, and we both thought that Link and Clementine's cuddling was very sweet. But a few days ago Clementine was returned to Sarah after she moved into Camelot, and now Link is very lonely. :( He will of course see her again, since Sarah is my housemate.

***

Summer has been hot and lazy but all the more enjoyable. Simply working at the library, reading with Grisha, sewing, crocheting, making things and writing (or trying to at least). I have yet to finish a whole slew of songs.


I've been working on trying to make Grisha's apartment look nicer (and therefore more livable)... partly because I "sort of" live there. Essentially I will be splitting my life between Grisha's apartment and Camelot, where I still do not feel at home quite yet. I still have to paint the stencils on my wall as I don't know what else to do with them. I'm just going to copy the stencils that already existed on Kelly's wall and paint them onto mine, probably the same color too.

I am going to make almond butter this afternoon! It's a healthier alternative to peanut butter since it has less oils and fats, although I think it has more calories. But alas, it sounds yummy in my tummy!

Withdrawals.

I am going crazy.

And I feel so pathetic and embarrassed, as it hasn't even been an entire day yet since I last saw Grisha. But alas, I will not see him until Friday, and my heart has sunk to a level of unbearable longing. It's as if my stomach were at my throat after pushing my lungs and heart aside, causing my insides to twist and turn. I think I wouldn't be so miserable if both of us knew he would be gone until Friday. I miss his smell, his body, his characteristic way of talking, and above all his embrace and how our bodies curl into formation like a pretzel.

I'm just not used to sleeping by myself anymore.

:[

Moving in?

I am afraid of women, of being social, of being around people.

I guess I'm not as afraid as much as I am apathetic towards these things. I just can't do it; I can't bring myself to care about other people's lives. Why am I so selfish? I think I need to learn how to be a better person or friend.

But I am just a recluse -- is that so wrong? I like being by myself, if not with Grisha, and I am perfectly fine with staying inside with a comfy sweater and a cup of tea while reading a book. Sometimes I think my desires contradict themselves, because I have a penchant for glamour and pretty things, however my reclusive nature directs me towards more low-key environments, not glamorous happenings.

I feel like such a loser and such a square inside a bowl of social expectations.

New SLR

I did a bad thing yesterday...

I had an impulse and bought a Canon D-SLR. But the best part is that I don't regret it.

The end of an era

This is the last week of school, and then exam week! I'm so excited to get this semester over with, I honestly feel that this has been the least creative or productive semester yet. Sure I did grow a lot as a musician and artist since I had so much time on my hands, but never has my life been so dull and uninspiring.

My jury is next Monday at 3... I think I'm ready, and I'm not all that nervous. However, I can only speak for myself as of now, not for me-when-I-am-standing-in-front-of-the-string-faculty-at-my-jury self. You know?

Then I have three exams, but only one I really have to worry about. =\ I just hope I do well in this music industry course on legal aspects. It's such an intensive course!

Anyway, Grisha just bought a bottle of wine, so I am off to his place for that, good music, and cheese. :D Ciao ciao!

Nutella

Mmm how I love the taste of this wonderful hazelnut chocolate spread. It always makes me feel better, when I am sad and low, or when I am happy and just need that extra "oompf". Cheers a la Nutella!

I am happy now. Grisha and I are happy. Everyone is happy. Now go out and love everyone.

Enough

I have a great life: I have a wonderful family who supports me, friends who are there for me, two stable jobs that provide me with sufficient funds, and a fancy 3rd floor apartment in downtown. I am a struggling but still successful musician with so much ahead of her and so much potential. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is nothing but good to me, takes care of me, loves me, and treats me the way every girl should be treated.

... Yet even though I seem to have it all, it always seems that it is never enough. There is always something missing. Am I to be reduced to nothing but a constantly unsatisfied creature, who only seeks but fails to get rid of the hateful and negative thoughts that plague her? I don't know what is wrong with me; I always ruin everything. In spite of all the things in my life that yield positive results, I can't seem to avoid the only conclusion I've consistently known -- that I hate this life. I need more of something, a tangible object to fulfill my desire, but I can't find it. Where are you, what are you, why haven't I found you yet?

So the question is that despite leading a normal, ideal lifestyle that everyone seeks as an adult, while being exactly where you imagined yourself to be, is the grass really greener on the other side?

Romans 13:10

I want to wash myself of all the hatred I've ever felt throughout my cognitive life. I want to rid my body of the negative energy that flows through my soul, and replace it with love -- love that conquers, love that teaches, and love that shows. I want to share this love and be ever wiser, ever kinder, and ever more the grateful being who drinks from life itself. Let me be of the universe, and see all with my new and loving eyes, to walk the earth without my previous disposition of loneliness and bitter impulses. You, my brother, my sister, my lover, my friend -- you deserve to love and be loved, and to learn what I have learned, and that is that I am found, I am new, and I am love.

No food in my kitchen

I'm too broke to buy groceries. Also, it is too cold outside and I am way too lazy.

Check out this unicorn necklace made by Peaches Geldof of Nylon mag. All out of recycled material; I think it will become the new sparrow.

I had a pretty bad day at work. My boss is a contradicting tyrant.

I think I'm getting sick. ={

Geek Love

I am staying up studying for this huge midterm I have tomorrow in my Legal Aspects of the Music Industry class. Quite nervous, I'm just afraid that I'm not getting the material as thoroughly as I should be, although I feel like I know it fairly well through common sense as I review it. Oy vey.

Anyway, I was just looking at Grisha while he was sleeping and I just realized that I am quite possibly dating one of the biggest dorks on the planet. :D I'm in love with him. He came home plastered drunk, talking about space ships and gobbling up a ginger tea packet. *sigh* What am I going to do with this man?

I have sketches and collages I want to share with you all soon...

My neighbor's horrible taste in music

So I have arrived at the conclusion that my downstairs neighbor is not only dumb and lacking in any redeeming qualities, he also has horrible taste in music. Seriously, I've been studying my ass off for hours to the horrendous sounds of his stereo blasting obnoxious hip hop music. 'Tis a shame. As such, I have decided to take revenge by dropping heavy objects on the floor to help him realize how much everyone in the building hates him right now.

I have fallen in love with James Gulliver Hancock's works. They are very inspiring and tantalizing for the eye.


Anyway, I must get back to studying.

p.s. I am in the process of coming up with a better layout for this blog... so anyone who actually reads this, be patient, be kind!

The sledding incident

Harrisonburg finally got some snow recently, and it was fluffy and enjoyable -- a bunch of us went sledding down the hills on campus. Of course, I had never gone before (Virginia Beach naturally just doesn't get good snow) and I was very nervous and hesitant, until Grisha just pushed me off after saying that "I'll get it", and consequently I rammed into the train tracks at the end of the hill with instant impact. My body is still recovering. I was so pissed at Grisha. >:(

I need money.

Irritability

It's hard to be optimistic and full of love when there are always heavy undertones of hatred within your heart. Where is the silver lining? How do you rid yourself of hatred in a world that reflects your own insignificance, a world that seems inconsiderate of her inhabitants? There is good and evil, but it's not exactly black and white -- there are always greys in between that make it harder to see the better side of the world.

Lately I have found myself to be extremely irritable and hateful. I am annoyed by people so easily, from people as close as my best friends to a man passing by on his way to class. Is this what I have come to? A bitter, shrewd and hateful wench who sees nothing in people but their utter insignificance and unmistakable flaws? My cynicism and faithless outlook on humanity has returned to creep up on me, filling me with the unjustified venom of hatred.

But shamelessly, it feels good. Well, bad, too, for that matter -- it feels good and bad at the same time. Admit yourself! Everyone knows this feeling; that feeling of guilt you have for taking pleasure in hating somebody, and when your mouth releases those cathartic words of trash talk of someone you can't stand, those words that spill from your mind and out of your mouth, it feels so deliciously good like an orgasm in your throat, spreading to your head and body like an explosion of wickedness.

This is everyone, yes? Not just me?

The capacity to be anything

I forgot how much I really hate New Year's.

Maybe that's a bit harsh -- but I really don't enjoy it. Although I want to take part in the instant hype of welcoming in a new year, my seasonal depression kicks in, and rather than making appearances I choose to sulk in a living room with champagne and cigarettes. Poor Grisha. At this time of year I just become so reclusive, so bitter and caged. It makes sense that this would happen now, since this was around the time that my Lola died last year (I was very close to her), but growing up I just remember not being so excited about the first of 365 days that represents the start of a new year.

Now I am worried that my seasonal depression isn't so much seasonal... I get moody every now and then, and it really gets to be a drag. I am happy, but sometimes it isn't hard to get a good case of the blues. How often do you have to swing between happiness and sadness before you start to go crazy?

Sometimes I get afraid that all I am is talk. I feel like I keep on saying things about what I want to do without actually doing them, and that scares me. I'm afraid of being nothing, of being forgotten, of being full of meaningless words. Doesn't this hurt my capacity to be somebody, to be famous, to be a name -- my capacity to do or be anything?