MWF

I love not having classes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. This is awesome.

I hope this semester is going to be a carefree one. After previous accounts of panic attacks, general anxiety disorders, tears, fears and self-hate (all in the past), I think there is much to look forward to.

I am 98% positive that I got an internship with the Shenandoah Bach Festival. Now, if I can also get this paid internship with Virginia Association of Broadcasters, all will be zen.

Anna Karina

Huge icon for me, from style to personality, and from looks to her cute and suave, yet coy nature. I wish the paths I come across will be as fortunate and kind to me as they were to Anna Karina.

So close to getting anywhere. I just have to get myself going.


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Also.... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Holy matrimony

Alright. So every once in a while, I indulge on looking at everything weddings -- pictures, party favors, center pieces, invitations, and of course... the DRESSES. God bless the dresses. I can't help it, weddings are a guilty pleasure for me. Even though I don't plan on being anyone's wife, I've always dreamed of having my own wedding. They're just so pretty (when done right, as far as style and taste go)!

When I imagine my wedding, everything is sepia toned, as if filmed with a tan sheer pantyhose filter. There is lots of lace, chiffon, beige flower petals, ivory and pink gold ribbons, pearls, some silver touches, and madeleines at the reception table. The men are all in their finest tailored suits, some with bowler hats, and my future husband has coattails. My hair is wavy, loose, and pinned back, playfully messy, and my dress is easy to breathe in, long and sheer with lots of lace overlays and chiffon fabric. I get so excited thinking about a wedding I probably won't even have!!!

"Fashion fades. Style remains the same."

My homegirl, Coco. She was never anyone's wife either, and she made her own money. I want to be like her -- tough and hardened by struggle and strife. Always elegant. Every time I feel like I am losing perspective on things, I remind myself to stay sharp and classy.

Mama got me tights, perfume, a dress, and meringues for Christmas. That's all I need! :D

Why does everyone always hate on the childless relative?

It's that time of the year where families get together and tensions rise as siblings and parents say snappy lines towards each other, further fueling the fire and reaffirming just how much you and your family can't get along. For me, this is the time of year where a lack of privacy, an extra dose of anxiety, and a huge bottle of red wine (not for sharing) become the only gifts I get for Christmas. I feel so guilty for not wanting to be home for Christmas, and maybe I'm just pouting, but I seriously cannot stand being around my sisters or their children. As much as I love my sisters, there's no reason I should feel responsible or obligated to them. If Christmas could go the way I wanted, I would just have my parents over for dinner. But god has a way of waving his finger at me. "No," he says, "you must also spend the holiday with people who are going to patronize you, isn't that a lot of fun?!"

I would be able to tolerate the holidays if everyone wasn't so pressing about how motherhood is the one and only factor that proves a woman's strength. Seriously? That's the real argument? Please.

I don't get why people always hate on the relative that just doesn't want kids. I learned at a very young age that neither marriage nor children were in the cards for me, that I wanted to lead an independent, career-oriented lifestyle, and that I would be happy spending the rest of my life with just a partner and my work. For that I do not apologize because I think I am only being honest with myself. Yet honesty gets me in trouble with my relatives, who think that because I'm not a mother, I'm not a responsible, mature, intelligent adult. Guess all my years studying in pursuit of a degree is not what qualifies me as such. Oh, the confusion!

Mothers. Give me a break! I commend you for all your sacrifices, but be nice this year to your relatives who are honest enough to make a decision that makes them happy!

Keeping calm and carrying on

I need an actual vacation. One where I can really feel at peace and relaxed, where I can breathe cold, wintery air and wear my cute new owl pajamas. Where I can sip on hot chocolate while Grisha and I watch an old movie on netflix, while gingerbread sits in the oven.

I wish it will snow on my birthday again. :)

I'm having an awful time

Virginia Beach is a city of misery.

Really trying hard to grit my teeth and not be the relative that ruins ThanksKILLING for everyone.

I like to stay out of my sisters' lives as much as possible. It's better because that way I don't have to be accountable to them or feel any type of responsibility. We are not the same, and we just don't get along.

Mama wants me to get a haircut, but I like my long hair. It makes me feel like Yoko Ono. Papa says he likes my long hair as well. Grisha would throw a fit if I cut off my black mane!

Everything is beautiful.

Crisis

I am feeling a lot of pain and tension in my left arm, and fear that tendonitis is taking over. When I was younger, after seeing a few upperclassmen become victims of what they love, I used to think that this could never happen to me, that I was invincible. Yesterday, after not being able to play, I was devastated. The grief that was taking over was so immense that I couldn't help but cry, which is way more embarrassing than it all sounds. But now, after coming to terms with my curse, I am now confident that I will overcome this bumpy road. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, but differently. I will overcome the physical!

Love is tough, time is rough

In the past few days, I rode an elephant, was completely honest with myself and others, cried relentlessly, and made friends with a moth.

Happy rustling leaves! :D

Support it

American Farmland Trust

The message is simple. Support your local farmers and food -- not only are you filling your diet with healthy, sustainable and fresh foods, but you are also supporting a local economy, and therefore your local community.

I wish for once to be honest

I feel like I tailor my thoughts in consideration of other people's feeling, at my own expense. I bite my own tongue so another person doesn't get so offended. Why can't I just muster up the courage to say what I am really thinking? I don't like you. I think you're trashy. You are the dumbest, most hideous thing to exist. You are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. Adore me. You are the love of my life. I want to say these kinds of straightforward things without consequence. In reality I know I couldn't get away with saying these things -- I care too much about other people's feelings, and I just... can't bring myself to intentionally hurt anyone. :/ But I like this about myself, and other people. I love how people are caring and nice. It's just the annoying ones that infuriate me!

Well, I hope everyone has a lovely week!

Well here goes my next paycheck:

Anthropologie Babergh Dress, $188

The price makes me cringe, but the material and details make the dress worth it. Thoughts?

By the way, I've been great! Perhaps too busy, but my filled up schedule just makes the week go by faster, and I feel like I earn more after working so hard. I'm learning so much from Tom Carr, the School of Music's new sound engineering guy, who taught at Berklee College of Music. I've been managing the recording studio here and have been working many concerts -- I finally feel like I am getting the education I expected when I first got to college, and this happy feeling couldn't have come soon enough! I am right where I want to be. ^_^

I am now co-principle of Symphony's viola section, working on Bach's 2nd violin partita (arr. for viola) and Miklos Rozsa's Intermezzo for viola. I've been taking lots of pastoral pictures of some great scenery, and I've been working on some new dresses that I think will go great this Fall. Grisha and I are doing well, and my friends are so good to me.

I used to think that I was growing up too fast, but now I think I am doing okay. But it's also my favorite time of the year, and I'm probably just falling in love all over again. Ah, Fall!

How I still lust for OTK Boots.

WANT:

Jeffrey Campbell Lace-up OTK Boots - $298

Free People always has quirky and chic bohemian styles picks. I feel like you don't have to have to dress like a hippie to wear their stuff, rather you could use their versatility in clothing to your advantage. I love how these boots maintain a fresh look while recalling both a post-apocalyptic militant society as well as Victorian fashion in terms of the lace-up shaft, low-profile heel, and pointed toe. While these boots are very masculine, you could easily pair them with very feminine touches, such as tights and thigh-high stockings, or a flowy dress or pinafore. These have a great, sexy height without the look of a street walker if ya get what I mean! In my opinion, edgy and chic are met half way.

Comes in black and taupe.

My life and blueberry pie

The other day I started to worry about all my food spoiling while I was out of town so I have been on a cooking frenzy and Grisha is pretty pleased with the results. I was most proud of my very first blueberry pie that I made for a friend's going away party, which everyone enjoyed (the party and the pie). Suffice it to say that the pie was gone before I could even get a second slice. I used a standard recipe from Simply Recipes and in spite of all my "freak out" episodes during the process of baking the pie was an an ultimate success. Now that my blueberries and all my veggies are mostly done with, what to do with the rest of my strawberries and bananas is the mission I must complete. I stored them in the freezer, I hope that's okay. I'm hoping that by the time I return on Sunday the bananas will be ripe enough for me to make a wealthy amount of banana bread for the return of all my roommates. I'm not sure what I'll do with the strawberries though. Perhaps I'll just save them for my yogurt and homemade granola.

I have been on a 90's streak for the past two weeks, and it's not because of Urban Outfitters's new campaign, I've just been reliving and reconnecting with everything that helped me get through parachute pants and contemporary furniture. I never thought this was possible, but lately I've been channeling all my bitter 90's cynicism by rekindling my passion for Pavement, Sammy, Sonic Youth, and my ultimate love for my best friend, Daria. DARIA! The girl who saved us all from the face of near misanthropy. After watching the entire series again while I was tirelessly bored at work, I now understand a lot of the things that went on in the show that I never understood when I was a kid, although I managed to brush the feeling off because I loved Daria and wanted to be like her. For instance, the witty remarks and references to film and literature (i.e. Gone With the Wind, Heart of Darkness, etc.), or the sort-of break up between Daria and Trent at the end of season 3. I mean I had no idea that was a break up back in 1999. And even I almost cried about that break up, because I'm still not over Trent. That sounds creepy.


Anyway, as I continue to revel in the past, I am doing so in the home of my parents in Virginia Beach. I got hired by VB City Public Schools to teach a viola masterclass at the Visual and Performing Arts Academy to help prepare their students for Regional Orchestra auditions this Fall. What a great and easy way to win $200 for 8 hours in one week!

Rich people day

This morning, I ran 1.5 miles and did a solid muscle-toning routine. I ate my cereal, had my coffee, and read the paper out on the porch. When Grisha got off work, we went on a close-to-2-mile bike ride to Hillendale park (there were many hills), went on a romantic walk in my ideal summer weather (75 degrees, windy!), and biked back to his apartment to make lunch. We watched some British tv shows, took care of our cat, and biked back to my house. Then came time for dinner and I made vegetarian afritada, which turned out yummy and fulfilling. Then we read ourselves to sleep (at least he did).

Is this life boring? Is this what being too "couple-y" means?

Dark choco ganache

The past few days have not been so nice to me. I've been clumsy, grumpy, hormonal, and completely fed up with so many parts of me that one day, I could not stop crying. The other day I even cried because I had to kill a silver fish in my bathroom! I just hate summer so much, I want it to be fall so that I can actually be thankful for my big, thick and heavy hair, or so that I won't have to feel so chubby. I've felt like a Fatty Fatty Mcfat fat all season, and it's not because I am 5'1 and 120 lbs.

So when I usually have problems, I resort to shop therapy. However, since I am trying to be fiscally responsible, I can't justify buying clothes I don't need when I most certainly do not have the money. So to channel all my frustration, I baked a super rich chocolate cake with left-over lemon cream cheese frosting, coated with a dark chocolate ganache. Although the cake texture was not as fluffy as I had hoped (the batter was slightly underbeated because my mixer is broken) the cake was all together so rich and tasty. It was the right amount of sweet and lemon-y, and of course, goes great with some milk. Perfect for a highly and emotionally sensitive girl who can't figure out what to wear.

On the other hand, I have finally started that clothing line, and have almost completed its very first pleated, a-line skirt... :D

Future

The other night I dreamt about my lover in the future. Although I can't remember his face all that well, I do remember that he was tall, dark blonde (?), and charming. We made love in the afternoon. And then he tried to make me come away with him, and run away from whatever it was I was getting myself into.

I wonder if he dreamed about me too? Future lover, wherever you are, I can't wait to meet you.

Relationships

Everything is so much better knowing you're not alone, but with friends. :)

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Going to make a chocolate three-layer cake tonight with chocolate ganache frosting. Will also post an update on my life, my new bicycle, my music, interesting articles and some new pictures!

The composer is dead

I had a nightmare. Something about faces and suspicious beings.

I remember trying to call out your name, and that time when I was having a nightmare in your apartment and how when I could finally shout out your name I woke up and found you there in my arms.

I thought about you, and how you would know what to say.

I need you.

But you don't need me.

I can't.

You are manifested in so many symbols, and your meaning is everywhere to me. But you are nowhere to be found, even when you are sleeping in my arms.

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The funeral is in 7 hours. I still can't grasp the concept of death. The idea that someone I knew for so long simply just disappeared -- well, I can't understand that. I've known plenty of people who have died, and yet death has not happened to me, in the sense that I am 21 years old and still can't acknowledge the magnitude of its meaning.

Robert Ian Winstin, teacher, composer, conductor, and friend. You will be missed, but your legacy lives on.