Holy matrimony

Alright. So every once in a while, I indulge on looking at everything weddings -- pictures, party favors, center pieces, invitations, and of course... the DRESSES. God bless the dresses. I can't help it, weddings are a guilty pleasure for me. Even though I don't plan on being anyone's wife, I've always dreamed of having my own wedding. They're just so pretty (when done right, as far as style and taste go)!

When I imagine my wedding, everything is sepia toned, as if filmed with a tan sheer pantyhose filter. There is lots of lace, chiffon, beige flower petals, ivory and pink gold ribbons, pearls, some silver touches, and madeleines at the reception table. The men are all in their finest tailored suits, some with bowler hats, and my future husband has coattails. My hair is wavy, loose, and pinned back, playfully messy, and my dress is easy to breathe in, long and sheer with lots of lace overlays and chiffon fabric. I get so excited thinking about a wedding I probably won't even have!!!

"Fashion fades. Style remains the same."

My homegirl, Coco. She was never anyone's wife either, and she made her own money. I want to be like her -- tough and hardened by struggle and strife. Always elegant. Every time I feel like I am losing perspective on things, I remind myself to stay sharp and classy.

Mama got me tights, perfume, a dress, and meringues for Christmas. That's all I need! :D

Why does everyone always hate on the childless relative?

It's that time of the year where families get together and tensions rise as siblings and parents say snappy lines towards each other, further fueling the fire and reaffirming just how much you and your family can't get along. For me, this is the time of year where a lack of privacy, an extra dose of anxiety, and a huge bottle of red wine (not for sharing) become the only gifts I get for Christmas. I feel so guilty for not wanting to be home for Christmas, and maybe I'm just pouting, but I seriously cannot stand being around my sisters or their children. As much as I love my sisters, there's no reason I should feel responsible or obligated to them. If Christmas could go the way I wanted, I would just have my parents over for dinner. But god has a way of waving his finger at me. "No," he says, "you must also spend the holiday with people who are going to patronize you, isn't that a lot of fun?!"

I would be able to tolerate the holidays if everyone wasn't so pressing about how motherhood is the one and only factor that proves a woman's strength. Seriously? That's the real argument? Please.

I don't get why people always hate on the relative that just doesn't want kids. I learned at a very young age that neither marriage nor children were in the cards for me, that I wanted to lead an independent, career-oriented lifestyle, and that I would be happy spending the rest of my life with just a partner and my work. For that I do not apologize because I think I am only being honest with myself. Yet honesty gets me in trouble with my relatives, who think that because I'm not a mother, I'm not a responsible, mature, intelligent adult. Guess all my years studying in pursuit of a degree is not what qualifies me as such. Oh, the confusion!

Mothers. Give me a break! I commend you for all your sacrifices, but be nice this year to your relatives who are honest enough to make a decision that makes them happy!

Keeping calm and carrying on

I need an actual vacation. One where I can really feel at peace and relaxed, where I can breathe cold, wintery air and wear my cute new owl pajamas. Where I can sip on hot chocolate while Grisha and I watch an old movie on netflix, while gingerbread sits in the oven.

I wish it will snow on my birthday again. :)

I'm having an awful time

Virginia Beach is a city of misery.

Really trying hard to grit my teeth and not be the relative that ruins ThanksKILLING for everyone.

I like to stay out of my sisters' lives as much as possible. It's better because that way I don't have to be accountable to them or feel any type of responsibility. We are not the same, and we just don't get along.

Mama wants me to get a haircut, but I like my long hair. It makes me feel like Yoko Ono. Papa says he likes my long hair as well. Grisha would throw a fit if I cut off my black mane!

Everything is beautiful.

Crisis

I am feeling a lot of pain and tension in my left arm, and fear that tendonitis is taking over. When I was younger, after seeing a few upperclassmen become victims of what they love, I used to think that this could never happen to me, that I was invincible. Yesterday, after not being able to play, I was devastated. The grief that was taking over was so immense that I couldn't help but cry, which is way more embarrassing than it all sounds. But now, after coming to terms with my curse, I am now confident that I will overcome this bumpy road. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, but differently. I will overcome the physical!

Love is tough, time is rough

In the past few days, I rode an elephant, was completely honest with myself and others, cried relentlessly, and made friends with a moth.

Happy rustling leaves! :D

Support it

American Farmland Trust

The message is simple. Support your local farmers and food -- not only are you filling your diet with healthy, sustainable and fresh foods, but you are also supporting a local economy, and therefore your local community.

I wish for once to be honest

I feel like I tailor my thoughts in consideration of other people's feeling, at my own expense. I bite my own tongue so another person doesn't get so offended. Why can't I just muster up the courage to say what I am really thinking? I don't like you. I think you're trashy. You are the dumbest, most hideous thing to exist. You are the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. Adore me. You are the love of my life. I want to say these kinds of straightforward things without consequence. In reality I know I couldn't get away with saying these things -- I care too much about other people's feelings, and I just... can't bring myself to intentionally hurt anyone. :/ But I like this about myself, and other people. I love how people are caring and nice. It's just the annoying ones that infuriate me!

Well, I hope everyone has a lovely week!

Well here goes my next paycheck:

Anthropologie Babergh Dress, $188

The price makes me cringe, but the material and details make the dress worth it. Thoughts?

By the way, I've been great! Perhaps too busy, but my filled up schedule just makes the week go by faster, and I feel like I earn more after working so hard. I'm learning so much from Tom Carr, the School of Music's new sound engineering guy, who taught at Berklee College of Music. I've been managing the recording studio here and have been working many concerts -- I finally feel like I am getting the education I expected when I first got to college, and this happy feeling couldn't have come soon enough! I am right where I want to be. ^_^

I am now co-principle of Symphony's viola section, working on Bach's 2nd violin partita (arr. for viola) and Miklos Rozsa's Intermezzo for viola. I've been taking lots of pastoral pictures of some great scenery, and I've been working on some new dresses that I think will go great this Fall. Grisha and I are doing well, and my friends are so good to me.

I used to think that I was growing up too fast, but now I think I am doing okay. But it's also my favorite time of the year, and I'm probably just falling in love all over again. Ah, Fall!

How I still lust for OTK Boots.

WANT:

Jeffrey Campbell Lace-up OTK Boots - $298

Free People always has quirky and chic bohemian styles picks. I feel like you don't have to have to dress like a hippie to wear their stuff, rather you could use their versatility in clothing to your advantage. I love how these boots maintain a fresh look while recalling both a post-apocalyptic militant society as well as Victorian fashion in terms of the lace-up shaft, low-profile heel, and pointed toe. While these boots are very masculine, you could easily pair them with very feminine touches, such as tights and thigh-high stockings, or a flowy dress or pinafore. These have a great, sexy height without the look of a street walker if ya get what I mean! In my opinion, edgy and chic are met half way.

Comes in black and taupe.

My life and blueberry pie

The other day I started to worry about all my food spoiling while I was out of town so I have been on a cooking frenzy and Grisha is pretty pleased with the results. I was most proud of my very first blueberry pie that I made for a friend's going away party, which everyone enjoyed (the party and the pie). Suffice it to say that the pie was gone before I could even get a second slice. I used a standard recipe from Simply Recipes and in spite of all my "freak out" episodes during the process of baking the pie was an an ultimate success. Now that my blueberries and all my veggies are mostly done with, what to do with the rest of my strawberries and bananas is the mission I must complete. I stored them in the freezer, I hope that's okay. I'm hoping that by the time I return on Sunday the bananas will be ripe enough for me to make a wealthy amount of banana bread for the return of all my roommates. I'm not sure what I'll do with the strawberries though. Perhaps I'll just save them for my yogurt and homemade granola.

I have been on a 90's streak for the past two weeks, and it's not because of Urban Outfitters's new campaign, I've just been reliving and reconnecting with everything that helped me get through parachute pants and contemporary furniture. I never thought this was possible, but lately I've been channeling all my bitter 90's cynicism by rekindling my passion for Pavement, Sammy, Sonic Youth, and my ultimate love for my best friend, Daria. DARIA! The girl who saved us all from the face of near misanthropy. After watching the entire series again while I was tirelessly bored at work, I now understand a lot of the things that went on in the show that I never understood when I was a kid, although I managed to brush the feeling off because I loved Daria and wanted to be like her. For instance, the witty remarks and references to film and literature (i.e. Gone With the Wind, Heart of Darkness, etc.), or the sort-of break up between Daria and Trent at the end of season 3. I mean I had no idea that was a break up back in 1999. And even I almost cried about that break up, because I'm still not over Trent. That sounds creepy.


Anyway, as I continue to revel in the past, I am doing so in the home of my parents in Virginia Beach. I got hired by VB City Public Schools to teach a viola masterclass at the Visual and Performing Arts Academy to help prepare their students for Regional Orchestra auditions this Fall. What a great and easy way to win $200 for 8 hours in one week!

Rich people day

This morning, I ran 1.5 miles and did a solid muscle-toning routine. I ate my cereal, had my coffee, and read the paper out on the porch. When Grisha got off work, we went on a close-to-2-mile bike ride to Hillendale park (there were many hills), went on a romantic walk in my ideal summer weather (75 degrees, windy!), and biked back to his apartment to make lunch. We watched some British tv shows, took care of our cat, and biked back to my house. Then came time for dinner and I made vegetarian afritada, which turned out yummy and fulfilling. Then we read ourselves to sleep (at least he did).

Is this life boring? Is this what being too "couple-y" means?

Dark choco ganache

The past few days have not been so nice to me. I've been clumsy, grumpy, hormonal, and completely fed up with so many parts of me that one day, I could not stop crying. The other day I even cried because I had to kill a silver fish in my bathroom! I just hate summer so much, I want it to be fall so that I can actually be thankful for my big, thick and heavy hair, or so that I won't have to feel so chubby. I've felt like a Fatty Fatty Mcfat fat all season, and it's not because I am 5'1 and 120 lbs.

So when I usually have problems, I resort to shop therapy. However, since I am trying to be fiscally responsible, I can't justify buying clothes I don't need when I most certainly do not have the money. So to channel all my frustration, I baked a super rich chocolate cake with left-over lemon cream cheese frosting, coated with a dark chocolate ganache. Although the cake texture was not as fluffy as I had hoped (the batter was slightly underbeated because my mixer is broken) the cake was all together so rich and tasty. It was the right amount of sweet and lemon-y, and of course, goes great with some milk. Perfect for a highly and emotionally sensitive girl who can't figure out what to wear.

On the other hand, I have finally started that clothing line, and have almost completed its very first pleated, a-line skirt... :D

Future

The other night I dreamt about my lover in the future. Although I can't remember his face all that well, I do remember that he was tall, dark blonde (?), and charming. We made love in the afternoon. And then he tried to make me come away with him, and run away from whatever it was I was getting myself into.

I wonder if he dreamed about me too? Future lover, wherever you are, I can't wait to meet you.

Relationships

Everything is so much better knowing you're not alone, but with friends. :)

---

Going to make a chocolate three-layer cake tonight with chocolate ganache frosting. Will also post an update on my life, my new bicycle, my music, interesting articles and some new pictures!

The composer is dead

I had a nightmare. Something about faces and suspicious beings.

I remember trying to call out your name, and that time when I was having a nightmare in your apartment and how when I could finally shout out your name I woke up and found you there in my arms.

I thought about you, and how you would know what to say.

I need you.

But you don't need me.

I can't.

You are manifested in so many symbols, and your meaning is everywhere to me. But you are nowhere to be found, even when you are sleeping in my arms.

-----

The funeral is in 7 hours. I still can't grasp the concept of death. The idea that someone I knew for so long simply just disappeared -- well, I can't understand that. I've known plenty of people who have died, and yet death has not happened to me, in the sense that I am 21 years old and still can't acknowledge the magnitude of its meaning.

Robert Ian Winstin, teacher, composer, conductor, and friend. You will be missed, but your legacy lives on.

Photos of memory and the process of songwriting

1. My room; 2. My room; 3. Justin's farm in New Market; 4. Justin's farm in New Market; 5. Justin's farm in New Market; 6. Justin's farm in New Market; 7. County fair; 8. Grisha in the attic; 9. Katie and I, listening to Abba; 10. Concert hall

I was cleaning out my computer and found a few photos that I thought were beautiful, either by the composition or the meaning behind the event. Together, these photos probably will not make sense, but I like it that way. Life does not make sense.

---EDIT --

The other day while at work I was thinking about a song on mandolin. When I came home I picked up my mandolin and starting playing the chords, and as it turned out the words I conjured up in my head did not fit the actual chords when sung out loud. I didn't feel like the combination of words and music were speaking the same language, or communicating the same message, making the entire creation ineffective. I'm still searching for a formula, and I don't mean that I want my music to be formulaic, but that I want my music to communicate emotions in the most turbulent and unexpected way possible. How does one compose a piece that when exposed to the ears the listener feels like he has been suspended in space and time while colliding into a wall of nothingness?

Beckett on Film, or one is what one is

As a library assistant I usually have to do bitch work, which means the petty, tedious work that is a pain to do but needs to get done. Currently, I'm working on checking the internet resources and making sure there are no dead or broken links. I normally get restless and antsy, but lately I've been looking at a good lot -- yesterday I got to watch BBC productions of Shakespeare plays and, today I had to watch one of my favorite works put to film, Waiting for Godot. It's not exactly the easiest thing to read through and it certainly requires a lot of patience. It reminds me of navigating a city with a friend who just happens to lead you to mishap after mishap. It's like the meaning of life never gets manifested, at least in this work.

I'm driving to Virginia Beach tomorrow to spend the weekend with my family. I haven't seen home in so long.

Kimchi Blue, I love you

Kimchi Blue Chantilly Dress - Ivory $98

This dress is absolutely beautiful, I am in love with the small details and care put into the creation of this piece. From the adorable fabric buttons to the lace designs to the puffy sleeves, this dress would be perfect paired with two-tone oxfords and perhaps some cable knit tights in the fall. This dress is versatile, could be worn in any season, dressed up or down. I like how this is very 1930s-bride-like -- it recalls a sense of innocence and playfulness, with a hint of purity.

With that said, I can't wait for this to go on sale. =[

Pablo Neruda

If You Forget Me

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Money, the bane of my existence

Tiny Windows Dress - Lavender $118

I have been -- or trying to be at least -- so well-behaved with not spending money, really I have. I've adopted a conscience that accompanies my thought-process when debating my purchases. And then this dress comes along and everything goes all downhill from there. I literally can't afford to be so irresponsible, so why can't I just grow up?

Can't sleep

“There are so many things I want to say to you, but time’s caught me up and now I’ll never say them — except that I’ve loved you from the moment I saw you and every moment since.”

All of a sudden, I am both happy and sad once again.

Fresh blogging

Hope you like the new layout! I am finally done with May-mester (and gen-eds for that matter), and now have all the time I want to do whatever I want. What better way to spend my time on a Saturday night than create a new template/CCS layout for my blog? Yes, this is my life.

Anyway, today I took apart an old Mennonite dress I picked up at the thrift store a few weeks ago. Going to tailor it up a bit so that the fit is more flattering and A-line in structure.

My house is now completely empty, and being a 100+ year old Victorian house, it is also quite eerie. The doors creak so much louder now that everyone is gone, and this afternoon, Grisha and I found a possibly dead bat up in the attic?? Not sure what to make of this, because we also found a ton of bat poop (guano) so I am afraid we have a colony of bats living in Camelot. I screamed as high as I could because I've never seen a bat, and this caused Katie to run upstairs. Probably not the best thing to do when your attic is the host of a colony of bats...

Roxanne, the lame librarian

I'm so antsy right now. I think installing StumbleUpon on my computer at work is probably the worst idea I've ever had. I can't get through these library documents without clicking for a new tab to Stumble. :( le Sigh.

BIG HAIR

In need of a hair cut. Someone, plz help a sister out.

June 2010

Starting in June I promise to be more productive with songwriting. I waste so much time justifying my extended breaks, now is the time to get off my hiatus and resume with what I started so very long ago. This is going to happen, I'm going to harness every single muse I've got.

You were my inspiration for everything.

Finalz

Three exams down (successfully!), one more to go! Audio Devices, prepare to get your ass kicked.

I am determined to lose 10 pounds by the end of the summer.

What was ever left behind?

Sometimes I read your blog and realize you're actually talking about me and the damage that I had done. But in my defense, I didn't leave you just with cuts and bruises, an empty bedroom and ash from my cigarettes. I can see just in your thoughts how much you have grown from your taste in music, your ideology, even to the way you wear your hair. I take partial credit for that. You were my dear experiment, my most precious lover.

I always think of you, miss you, and your stupid old dog.

via Face Hunter

This outfit is absolutely beautiful.

So last week I passed my hearing, which means I can now officially give a recital This coming Friday! I don't know how I passed my hearing, I was so god-awfully nervous that my intonation and entrances were both pretty poor. But at least the hard part is now over. :)

Apathy for the young girls

I've stopped feeling sorry.

RECITAL TIME!!

!!! APRIL 16TH, 4:30PM, ANTHONY-SEEGER HALL !!!

I'm so nervous! My hearing is tomorrow afternoon, let's see what the supreme council known as the string faculty think of my playing...

La Roux - Bulletproof

La Roux - Bullet Proof from serkan söğüt on Vimeo.

I can't even begin to describe how much I am in love with La Roux.

The "P" Issue

My mom thinks I'm pregnant. What!

When the days are slow, slow, slow

What a tiring and uneventful day. I think the only highlight I experienced today was running into my History of Jazz professor at the Food Lion while I was doing some emergency grocery shopping in preparation for the coming snow storm. With that said, school better be cancelled tomorrow or else I will poop my pants for spending $110 on groceries I didn't need.

Finally, I'll fit in

Styleclicker

I'm moving to Stockholm.

Slip on the ice

Two things:

1) I hate hate hate MUI 440. Completely irrelevant to me, and I hate how I have to take that class to graduate. Please stop making me do business plans when all I really want to do is make music, dresses, and prints.
2) I hate self-focused people.

I had a rough day.

... I feel so disgusted by my own selfishness whenever I look at coverage on Haiti. It's everywhere, and it's devastating.

Lifelessness

Rest in peace, my little Bijou. I miss you so much. :(

Winter in the mountains

In my contemplative thoughts these past few days, I sat in my chair wondering how I ended up here. I drank my tea, and stared in a dream-like gaze upon my room: "Here," I said, "in this state of bewilderment, of limbo, and of content." So many contradicting feelings and assumptions that pull on my insides like the moon tide.

I'm overwhelmed. I've always imagined that the root of all my troubles is the idea that I was somehow placed in the wrong state, the wrong country. When I was being filed and sunk down through the tube for delivery, the postal people handling my delivery sent me to the wrong destination. Maybe it was France, maybe it was Scotland. Or maybe it was somewhere in New England. Anywhere but here.

Living in Virginia has given me so much discomfort, so much irritability, that I would never want to come back once I get out of this place. I should never have been surrounded by the sun or its heat. I was meant to bare the frigid winds of the north, and be inspired by it.

But sometimes I think twice. These mountains are quite breathtaking. The frost and snow remind me of everything I long to be in.