Hot chocolate

I am currently painting my nails and drinking hot chocolate in my underwear.  Life is really good.  =)

I haven't painted my nails since the summer.  I've neglected my own grooming because I've been too busy to take care of myself.  The smell of the chemicals tickles my nose because it's so strong.  

I decided I hated Great Eastern Resorts, and after working there for 2 days I just stopped coming... Luckily I immediately got a job at the Blueridge Mac store here, which is an authorized Apple specialist!  I feel like I'm going to be much happier here, largely because I get to play with Macs all day and it's a small shop run by an awesome power-bitch-manager.  I love her, I really do.

I am going back to VB for a few days to celebrate Christmas with my family.  I was having a very frustrating morning and was yelling obscenities of all kinds, and when my mom called me in the middle of it I suddenly felt better after hearing her voice.  It's amazing how much we need our family, no matter how much we try to deny it or get away from them.  They are the home that you have known all your life and are thus capable of being the basic root of happiness.

Anyway, my mom called to ask me what she should get for Grisha and his family.  O_O  Whoa!  I think my parents are beginning to like him.  They never warmed up to any of my brother-in-laws so quickly (they're still not even big fans of any of them) but I think it's safe to say that my parents are beginning to fancy Grisha.  After all, his parents practically ADORE me.  

Working for the man

I start working today for Great Eastern Resorts (at Massanutten) at 4.  I cannot wait to start making money so that I won't have to take from my parents any longer... my poor parents, how they are still burdened by me.  

Good news!  Grisha (as well as his brother, Sasha) have officially been hired as ski instructors for Massanutten resorts!!  Congratulations, now I can finally learn to ski for FREE.  :D  And plus, all three of us now work for Massanutten.  Funny, no?

Finally, freedom

I have finally completed one of the most challenging semesters I've had thus far at JMU.  Finals week was surprisingly (and thankfully) successful!  I think I did very well on my jury, and I thought I was going to sound awful and unprepared, but suddenly as I stood in front of the string faculty and played some Bach on my viola I believe I sounded just about heavenly.  First sign of relief.

Then, I spent all Tuesday studying for my music history final Wednesday morning, and after listening to five centuries worth of historically changing musical works from Léonin to Corelli, I had given up and could not care anymore about Franconian notation or motets and sonatas.  I felt very confident that I knew the material, and my confidence did not fail me.  I got a 95.89% on that final -- which is unheard of, not only for a music history final, but for a test given by DR. GIBSON?!!  Yes!!!  Now why couldn't I have done that all semester?  

My last final was on Friday (8 AM!) for my English Lit. (from Romantic to Modern) class.  I think that after a semester of stress and hard work I couldn't bring myself to reread any of the material covered in class, so I just reviewed the authors in hopes that the excerpts on the exam would reveal enough about the author.  And I was right, because I didn't struggle at all; although I did get an 86%, I was way above the class average (78%).  As much as I enjoy the works of Coleridge, Conrad, and Larkin, I think my head would quite possibly explode if I had forced myself to study anymore than I did (I gave up at 12:30 AM Thursday night).

So, all that said, I can now relax, put up Christmas decorations, bake cookies, and reread the Dharma Bums...

If only I didn't have to start working tomorrow.  =(

20 laps around the sun

Today is my 20th birthday, and needless to say, it went stunningly well.  Aside from financial worries, 4 hours worth of practicing, and the burden of studying, I have had a wonderful birthday so far.  Grisha made me cheesecake tonight, and we lit up a number 8 candle since that was all we had... Ha.  I must be one of the luckiest girls in the world, because how many girls have boyfriends who can make them delicious cheesecake?  Not many that I know of.

Last night before the clock struck 12, Grisha and I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's together at my place... I don't think he appreciated it as much as I do (it's one of my favorites), and I think he only watched it because it was what I wanted to do and it's a classic, but he enjoyed it enough.  As midnight hit, he gave me my present, which was a genuine mixtape of tunes, as well as a CASIO cassette player to play it.  I'm going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

I don't really get festive for such occasions as my birthday.  I don't feel any different, really.  Birthdays are just like any other day, only I'm a day older and closer to my death.  If one day of being a year older is cause for celebration, why can't everyday be a day of celebration?  After all the days alone deserve their own right for which to be celebrated.  

The older I get (and let's face it, 20 years old is not at all old), the lazier and less interested I become with being carnivalesque.  I'm satisfied with a few cigarettes and good beer on a porch or in the living room.  Everything else is just living in excess.

Poor and happy

I am dirt poor, have no money in my bank account (I probably have a negative balance), and have no job.  My rent is due this week, as well as a payment for October's rent, which did not go through as I thought.  I have no money to buy Christmas presents, groceries, material goods, books, sheet music, or a new sewing machine.  In spite of my troubles, I am happy.

Money has no value.  Its influence on the state of man is only finite.  It is arbitrary; it cannot tell me who I am or what I will be.  It cannot dictate my path or shape my character.  In ten years or even next year I may be in so much debt, but in no way will it change my temperament.  Of course I may be frustrated and stressed, but I am happy, and a happy state is a difficult height to come down from.

Although the world is indifferent to personal comedies or tragedies, perhaps it is best to accept that I should be indifferent to the world as well.  

Finally, Fall break...

Some updates on my life:

- I am in love with Grisha Kramer

- I have quit my job at Rosetta Stone and am now broke

- I am desperately in search of a better job

- I have been working on some songs and am planning to play a few shows next semester

- People, in general, are small-minded

- Grisha and I want to move to New York

- I am going home tomorrow afternoon to Virginia Beach for Thanksgiving with my family 

- I am excited for the Holidays

Old friends, same old things

Outside my window, everything is beautiful.

See all the fractals of imagery, nature, and light? 

My old roommate (whom I've been friends with since the middle school years) came over last night after our viola master class, which was a huge personal disappointment for the both of us.  We cried, laughed, shared stories and drank, while getting ready for our friend's birthday party.  It reminded me of all the times last year in the dorm when we would just get dolled up for no reason, putting make up on and sharing ridiculous outfits.  

By the way, the theme was Nerd Party...

Getting out

Grisha is currently in the shower. He brought me Glühwein and it's delicious. I can recall winter just by smelling it (he put lots of cinnamon in it).

So I decided I'm really not happy here in Harrisonburg, and it's the reason why I've been feeling so displaced as a musician and artist lately. I just don't know if JMU is the right place for me, or if it will teach me the things I really want to learn. Uncertainty is painful! I just don't fit in right here; it's almost as if you've been robbed of any of the talent you had because of that disillusioning moment when you've realized you're really unhappy. I love Harrisonburg and the people that populate it, but my schooling here makes me feel out of place. I find so much folly in the people of the SOM and I have chemistry with very few musicians here. I feel like my teacher has lost faith in me. I'm constantly battling the Business Office with my finances, which adds unnecessary stress. JMU has just become less and less enjoyable for me in just 1 and a half years. Perhaps I should allow it more time.

On a lighter note, I took a few polaroids late Sunday afternoon because it was absolutely gorgeous outside. When I walked outside of my apartment building I looked up and saw this view of the tree that I've seen from outside my window (I live on the 3rd floor), but for some reason I've neglected the view from below. Naturally I was taken aback and thought I should keep a record of its beauty.

This is how lonely Harrisonburg gets on a late and quiet Sunday afternoon. That is actually the parking lot and train tracks behind my apartment building. It looked so desolate and yearning for reconstruction, but I think it's perfect the way it is.

At least I get to wake up to this in the morning. :)

Sick, cold, and alone...

... right now.  I'm waiting for the tea kettle to whistle so I can make myself some ginger tea + honey and drown in my blankets.  I'm really tired; I tried going out to a show tonight but I was too cold and congested and realized once I got to the party that I was going to be gone soon.

I got off work particularly late tonight.  I don't think I've ever been this exhausted for such a long amount of time.  Excess school and two jobs are beyond what I can handle right now.  I wish I could afford to cut back on some of my obligations but I guess that option is not in the cards for me these days.  Hopefully once I move out of this single apartment and into Camelot (a house with my closest girlfriends here!) I'll have it a lot easier, since my expenses will be a lot lower than they are now.  Then I won't have to work as hard.  ;)

I made the mistake of drinking a small amount and smoking a large amount while being sick and cold tonight.  Blech!  It made me feel worse.  It doesn't help that I think I may have added too much honey to my ginger tea, which is almost sickening me because of its strength and sweetness.  Speaking of sweets, I ran out of red bean motchi last week, and have a serious craving for it right now.  I always have perfect timing no?  

I'm getting sleepier.  Grisha needs to come over soon, wasted or not, so I won't sleep alone tonight!  I'm meeting his parents tomorrow...  T-T

Bicycle wreck

 

 

Yesterday I got into quite a wreck on my bicycle while on the way to the thrift store with Collin.  We were riding down Main St, and as soon as I saw the train tracks and thought for a millisecond about all the horror stories of how people have wrecked on them, it was too late for me to do anything about it, and my poor road bike skidded on the road and fell through while I was projected forward and ate pavement.  I ended up skinning my knee and getting a shiner and a cut by my left eye, along with some other glorious cuts and bruises here and there.  Surprisingly it wasn't as worse as I thought it was when it all happened.  I thought my face got roughed up much worse than it did.  And most importantly, the bike is okay.

In spite of all that, Collin and I were able to thrift successfully.  Afterwards, Grisha came over to take care of my wounds.  :)  

Outside my window...

I can hear the sounds of leaves falling, the wind rustling, the traffic of downtown, and the train whistling as it heads towards its destination.  The sun passes rays through my window, casting shadows and mysterious flying particles in my apartment, which smells of Lavender and Vanilla.  My bedroom is chilly but still comfortable as I keep warm in my cable knit sweater and sip my coffee.  The skies are blue and gray with a sadness about them, although they are happy to bring about their melancholy regime.  My bed is unmade, with the covers in disarray.  Grisha wakes up from his sleep and begs me to come back to bed, but I merely smile.  The train whistles again.  This is the temperament of Autumn.

Suffice it to say that I am wholly content.  The season and my heart align perfectly, and I gladly welcome Fall, in all its glory and beauty, just so I can ride my bicycle across the dancing leaves.  Everything is beautiful! 

... And now I must get up and practice for a lesson I have with Tzveta.  

The Niche

I really wish I could afford the luxury of sleep these days.  Life has become an adventurous conglomeration of being too overwhelming, exciting, depressing, and shocking all at the same time.  

I decided that I've been unhappy with myself as a musician lately.  The root of all my apathy and struggles is probably with the competition and how I seemingly and unintentionally keep telling myself that I'm not cut out for it.  I want to be, though.  I want to seriously grow and master my craft, for the love of music and all that transcends it.  The path to become the better musician is always the biggest obstacle.  Gandhi once said that the journey is more important than the destination because either way you'll get to where you want to be, what matters most is how you'll actually get there.  I've just been at such a loss -- sound and control are my biggest challenges this year.  In a way, I find that this is also an identity-related issue because I still don't even know my own niche in the world of music.  Who am I as a musician?  The passion is there, caged within my romantic skeleton, but where is the emotion that produces the sound?  Self-realization seems so far ahead.

In a rut and a bit of a funk, once again.

The Nostalgic

I'm obsessed with my new apartment.  I'm extremely pleased with the way it has turned out, and I look forward to spending the next couple years here.  Even my parents were satisfied with this flat, and they normally have opposing views towards my taste.  I'm getting a piano delivered on Saturday, and since Friday is pay-day (thank God), I'm going to buy another bookcase as well as a dresser.  Sadly, I cannot live out of these tubs and suitcases for any longer or else I'll fall apart during the semester, and I will not allow myself to do that.  Pictures to come once I get my Canon back.

My old best friend Jon recently sent me a picture he took of me a year and a half ago while we were prancing around downtown Norfolk on a lazy afternoon once we got out of class.  It's funny how a photograph can have so much meaning to it based on the content.  Thinking about Jon, what the picture entails and how that day went made my heart feel warmer and pump faster.  I remember almost every detail of that Wednesday afternoon.  I remember sitting in the passenger seat, with our good friend Justin in the back, as Jon drove out of the school parking lot and headed off to downtown through I-264, a rough and winding 40 minute drive.  We were at last and once again a trio jumping fences and dodging police officers, causing mischief in back alleys in broad daylight.  We had no possessions worth taking, except of course Jon's precious Canon and some cash.  The simplicity of remembering such details all of a sudden made me feel very lonely and very whole at the same time.  Perhaps it was the nostalgia of actually having that one best friend in high school that you could always rely on to save you, get you, and complete you, and then finally realizing that the both of you have gone your separate ways now and are no longer the pair you once were.

I clicked the link to the picture, sending me to Jon's Flickr page where I saw the image and a comment above it that read "I should be a better friend".

The Alibi

This morning I called my supervisor and told her I had food poisoning.  I'm taking the day off and heading to Richmond with the Sara(h)'s.

The Darjeeling Limited

Today was the perfect Sunday of the summer; sitting with my temporary roommates in the living room, watching Wes Anderson's the Darjeeling Limited, with the dialogue playing against the sounds of a storm conjuring up outside.  The rain plays constant beats against the surface while thunder rolls across the sky.  Still in my nightgown, I put on my gray cardigan and black boots and step outside to smoke a cigarette on the porch.  Sarah joins me and we talk about how we are both looking forward to going back to school soon.  It's only a matter of weeks now until we go back to see the same people who left Harrisonburg while we stayed behind.  I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to see all these people again; I'm never ready to get jumbled up into the obligatory social scene.  I guess it just happens and you get caught in it by chance.

I move into Madison Terrace on Friday.  

The Bad Phone Call

I woke up in a good mood today, got dressed for work, and headed off on my bike feeling like sunshine.  I had a nice quiet lunch break, drinking coffee and sketching some designs while enjoying the sounds coming from the streets of Harrisonburg Renaissance.  I came back to my cubicle, put on my headset, and then the phone call happened.  The man I had to deal with today is probably the worst thing to ever exist when it comes to customers.  He was insulting, uncouth, uncooperative, and insanely egocentric, flipping out over something as silly as UPS 2-day shipping.  He then lost it completely when I asked him to calm down, and he stated that "he's the victim and should be reprimanded" and blah blah blah.  I'm embarrassed that I actually got nervous enough to cry as soon as he got off the phone.  I can't imagine how much his life must really suck if he's going to get all bent out of shape over something as secondary as this.  But I guess his kind must inevitably exist amongst our society, it's just a pity for those of us who actually have to deal with them.

On a more relevant note, I'm glad it is seemingly cooling down in terms of the weather lately.  I keep thinking that Fall will occur once August is over, but I'm completely wrong; Fall usually doesn't swing by until October or even November.  I just want to be able to kick my feet in the autumn leaves and bundle up in tights and corduroys again.  Walking down a street colored in earth tones and orange is one of the loveliest sensations I've felt thus far.  Ironically, Fall is the period to which I've associated more memories of the past than any other, and I always seem to grow a bit more nostalgic during those few months.  I've unintentionally designated all of my greatest romances, trials, victories, and failures to a single season; it is where I am at both my happiest and saddest moments in life.  

... But the air is just so crisp and filled with the wind that carries itself across the seasons.

The Source

As I was on the phone with Collin earlier this evening, I realized that perhaps the source of all my listlessness is my own homeless disposition. This couch that my friends have thankfully allowed me  to stay on for the weeks before I am able to move into my new apartment is just ghastly disorienting, and as I've said, I've been more sluggish than usual lately. Had I a home, I'm sure things would be different. Not being able to wake up in your own bed, your own room, and walk into your own kitchen and make your own coffee, or even open up your own closet is enough to make anyone feel out of his element. I've oddly grown accustomed to living out of suitcases. 

Musically, however, I've been writing a lot more lately...

Film Noir

Alright, so maybe I've been getting out of hand on this film noir stuff, but this is why I repress my interests in movies -- because I can obsess over them so easily that I hardly get anything done.  I've rekindled my fascination for the film noir (black cinema, or "detective" movies), an interest I've neglected since my high school days (because it was generally thought of as uncool) and now I think I want to become a serious femme fatale.  I just can't get enough of the figure-flattering dresses, the hair, and the damn lipstick!  Perhaps reading this blog will make everything I live for make sense.  I just love that era of post-depression and disillusionment colored with the 1940's feel of letting loose of all the repression that has built up inside as bitter angst and tension.  I'm crazy about it.

I think it's also to do with my exaggerated-obsession with that sense of style.  The whole aged and antiquated look is absolutely beautiful.  Everything is so lush and romantic.  I can't help but be a cheeseball over this stuff.

Speaking of which (romance and film), I cannot wait to see the Edge of Love featuring Matthew Rhys, Sienna Miller, Keira Knightley, and *drumroll* Cillian Murphy -- he is absolutely brilliant to say the least.  Albeit it looks like Atonement, I believe it looks like a masterpiece in its own right.  Additionally, I like how it is semi-autobiographical.  And look, it even features my favorite cable knit cardigans, tights, and floral prints! 

Lethargy

This whole 8-hour work day thing has really started to take its toll on me.  I find that the more I work the more my life just gets completely uninteresting.  I wake up every morning, read or practice for a bit, go to work at 11, come home by 8:30, and by fault of my lack of immunity towards exhaustion, I stay in for the rest of the night to get the rest that I've been lacking lately.  Is this what "getting older" is like?  

I don't want my life to be uninteresting.  I want it to be filled with adventure, spontaneity, troubles and scandals.  These things give me something to think about.  What good is merely existing?  

I will say that I have noticed how easily tired I've grown recently.  Maybe it's the heat, but an 8-hour work day (5 days a week!) coupled with the endless amount of errands I have to do can knock the wind out of me.  My lethargy is embarrassing to myself as I find myself living more and more like my own work-obsessive parents -- constantly tired and milking that last minute of sleep for what it's worth.  Odd how I can look back and remember exactly how much livelier being a teenager and in high school was since it was not at all too long ago.  I almost wish I had that same near-childish naïveté that kept me wired during those x-teen years.

I really hope it's the heat.  It's one of the only explanations that couldn't have me yearning for Fall even more.  But even following that is always a cold, lovely Winter with just as much lethargy as the Summer, only bundled up in knits and blankets and infinite cups of coffee.

The Office...

And no, not the show. Yesterday I started work as a Customer Care Representative at Rosetta Stone Ltd. (the most effective language learning software). I have my own cubicle, desk top (a Dell, bleh...), free access to office supplies, a sweet pay rate ($10/hr, 40 hr/week), and my own extension number, complete with a wireless headset that allows for more multi-tasking. *sigh* Not sure if this is going to be a job that I'll dread going to, but I'm trying to be optimistic about it. The minute I walked in after orientation and sat at my cubicle I asked where all the coffee pots and smoking stations were. I'm going to be utilizing those quite frequently during my employment at Rosetta Stone. I hope I can get the hang of this kind of call-center work. It's one big puzzle of routes I have to master.